Friday, July 10, 2009

Climbing up the Walls

Argh, there's no point on holding resentment, EVER. Life is too damn short to live that way. There's no reason at all why anybody should hold a grudge, some people have all the right in the world to hold grudges, it doesn't mean they should. There's absolutely nothing good or edifying that can come from hoping a person bursts into flames while we laugh madly à la Vincent Price. It doesn't mean grudges take every single second of our lives. Doesn't mean we lose sleep over it, or that it affects our present lives in any way. But when you see the object of your resentment and feel a knot in your stomach, you know you are not over it.
Doesn't mean I can't talk to the person, or that I can't wish them well. In fact, I don't wish they burst into flames at all. I do wish I could burst the memory of them into flames. And when you see they are living seemingly happy, normal lives, you wish you could disrupt their normalcy and remind them of their peccadilloes. I don't wish they feel miserable every day of their lives. But I do wish they feel just as miserable as I do when they see my picture or hear my name.

I actually had a dream of this person. I've had many dreams of this person. Gosh, it was as if it happened yesterday.

"Well, when I said I was leaving you asked 'when?' Then I told you when and you said 'OK!'"

Well, that's because whatever part of my complex brain that's responsible for my emotions is all messed up! I can't fix it! Sometimes it feels, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't feel at all. It's OK, I don't want it fixed. Doesn't mean I don't care, but up until now, I've never had any regrets for not feeling certain emotions, because if I don't feel them, then it probably means they are not that important to me after all. What I think bothers me is that, I feel I should have "felt" something. I didn't. That's why I reacted the way I reacted. I wasn't repressing emotions. I just didn't feel them. At the time. Now I feel every time I see this person. I don't regret not getting all emotional. I don't fake emotion or kind gestures unless I get paid for it. It comes naturally or it doesn't come at all. But whatever feelings didn't come out while the object of my resentment was here, are coming out now that it's gone.

Rainbows, hearts, stars and unicorns. All is well, all is happy. Santa exists and Elvis is alive. So is MJ. Bye bye.

PS. This is soooo not about a "boy." The day one of these emo posts becomes about a boy, I'll shoot myself in the head with a water gun.

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